I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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