Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
