I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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