THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
