I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
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I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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