he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
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So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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