im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
