Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
