the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize