we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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