How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
