I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
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The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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