I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
