I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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