I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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