it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
