I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
