I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
