He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
