K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
