In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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