he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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