its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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