No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
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We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
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We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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