My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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