Tell her she can't have a vagina
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
