3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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