Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
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I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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