An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
