I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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