I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
