I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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