I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
