I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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