If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
