I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
