I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
