Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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