it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
