She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
