I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
