Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
