Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
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No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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