Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
