I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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