Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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