the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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