There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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