I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
