i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.