did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops