im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.