The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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