Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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