Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
