Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
